Oops, I did it again.
I tried to play the game again.
I tried to be apart of a system again.
I tried to “fit in” again.
And all over again…
Obligation.
Conformity.
Accountability.
It can be so hard to walk this path.
And honestly, I understand why there are some people just attending and not transforming. I understand why those who are transforming decided to leave.
When we are awaken to the realities of God in us we begin to see that religious obligation, accountability and conformity do not match what Jesus did with His disciples. It is not relational. It is not about family. It becomes about a system of rules and regulations. It becomes about being seen as worthy based on your outward appearance.
Is it more important that I appear “good enough” because I follow the rules or is it about the heart?!
When we make it about accountability, obligation and conformity then we are not learning to live in relationship with one another and God… instead we are more concerned with appearance.
As a recovering people pleaser it is still hard for me to say no to someone of authority even when it is something God has placed on my heart yet, there is freedom in know I am making Him the guiding force in my life instead of religious obligation.
Real transformation in life comes when we are building a relationship with our heavenly Father.
When I was nineteen I attended church weekly sometimes even drunk from the night before of partying. I made sure to attend with my name on the envelope to get credit with the church and God. I was hoping this would help me become a better person.
Bad things still happened to me… broken teeth, sexual assault and bad relationships. These things happened because of my bad choices not because my offering and attendance was not enough.
When I was in my twenties I surrendered my life to God. I tried to right the wrongs in my relationships and tried my best to be a good Godly woman, wife and mom. I led, I tithed, I prayed and I disciple. And yet with all my effort I still struggled with insecurities, infertility, finances and acceptance.
In my thirties I have come to realize I was hoping my outward appearance and acts would be enough to help me become the “good Christian” God wanted from me. That was until He began whispering in my heart. He began to tell me to do unto Him without recognition and appearance sake. He began to make relationship and giving an everyday part of my life. He began to show me that it was a lifestyle of giving for the sake of love not acceptance or religious obligation.
This freedom helped me to give to the homeless women in the parking lot, taking neighbors out to dinner and giving to organizations God placed on my heart. This freedom released me from obligation and brought me into a new space of giving freely of my heart.
Learning to live in relationship with God edges out our own ego for recognition and accolades. In this freedom we can give freely to love on people who need to be loved on in our community.
This path is not an easy one and honestly sometimes I wonder if I am hearing Him wrong. I often question the offbeat path and ideas… however; when I look at the life of Jesus He too was offbeat and questioned by the religious leaders.
I have long since let go of my desire for a stage and name.
I have let go of my dreams of success in order to pursue a life of transformation I can share and teach.
I have long since realized this journey of faith is more than a Sunday attendance, envelope in the basket kind of life… it is about waking in anticipation for what God has for me and my family today. It is about learning to live in the freedom of relationship and being willing to be different because of His love.
I often pray for God to take this all away and help me to be a good girl in the world’s eyes and yet I know in my heart the peace I have based on relationship is far better than acceptance in man’s eye.
I often want to ask God why I have to answer questions the way He asks me to answer them but, I have to trust that this life is meant to be lived for Him and not myself. I have to trust these lessons He has taught me will change the generation after me. I have to trust that God’s plan for this life, family and ministry are greater than my own eyes can see right now.
Father help me to trust even when it does not make sense. Help me to lean into You during this season of undoing. Help me to keep living with faith, hope and love daily. Thank you for this day! Amen.
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